A curious case of looking for joy

I met a lady once on a retreat whose name was Joy.

“How wonderful to be called Joy,” I remarked. “In a world of learning through repeated experience, the notion of joy is reinforced every time someone calls your name.”

“Quite the contrary,” she grumbled. “It reminds me moment by moment what I should be seeking.”

What is Joy? Have you ever explored your own sense of joy? What it feels like to you? Where and when it shows up? And how it may differ from someone else’s sensation of joy? Is joy relative? Mutable? Non-linear?

I found myself recently going on a mid-week middle-of-the-day date with my husband. We’d decided to head out of town into the mountains and take a hike through the fields of springtime blooms. The expectation of a joyful experience was high with a good list of success-inducing ingredients attached: sun, spring, beautiful mountains, fresh air, nature, short road trip, good company, flowers in abundance, water. There is a lot of literature on the benefit of all these ingredients in our search for joy.

Moments beyond the borders of the city, the joy bubble burst as we were brought to a traffic standstill in the multiple lanes of the main national highway. Our little car was hemmed in between the multi-trailer transport vehicles and the concrete road barriers. A total standstill! Engine-off standstill. People-spilling-out-of-their-car standstill. Nowhere-to-go-and-refresh-yourself standstill. We’re-not-going-to-get-to-the- mountains standstill. If I flip through my charts on “finding joy”, traffic, blockage, roadworks, heat, frustration just don’t appear. Joy was very quickly taking flight and moving off to greener pastures.
 
Two and a half hours we sat there. Nowhere to go and nothing to do.

But something interesting can happen in this space of nothingness, in the pause or slowing down. If we can avoid the quagmire of resistance, the space can often allow for the emergence of flow in the most unexpected way. And there we were, stationery along a high-speed artery, and in that most unexpected state, I found myself pondering the concept of joy.

I’d had a conversation with a colleague a few days prior. She shared her perspective on joy, highlighting how her idea of joy differed significantly from her husband's. Her husband cherished hiking, an activity she disliked. He revelled in certain hobbies that left her disinterested, such as growing magnificent hibiscus flowers.

As I delved into a similar conversation with my husband, I began to explore the various factors that contribute to our understanding of joy, particularly the sensations associated with it. In order to understand our attractor motivations, we delved into key experiences that we moved towards and that consistently brough us joy. And, in a similar manner in which we would explore the origins of our conditioned tendencies resulting from traumatic experiences, we traced these joyful sensations back to their origin in order to understand why they had carved their way into our neural pathways.

One such experience for me was understanding the extreme joy I feel with my morning coffee in bed. A joy that far supersedes the experience of any other drink or any other moment. It’s an experience that the mere thought of brings me almost as much joy. When I looked for the origin of this joy, I traced it back to when my son was a very small child. My ex-husband was suffering from cocaine addiction and in and out of rehab, and all the consequences that are attached to that. As well as single-parenting a small child, I was running my own branding agency at the time too. It was a highly stressful and traumatic time of my life. But every morning I would make myself a cup of coffee and my son his bottle and the two of us would lie in bed together. Cuddled up and safe. It was a moment of peace and serenity, intimacy and cocooning before the chaos of the day unravelled once again. It was glorious. And so, this morning coffee ritual became synonymous with the sensations of quiet intimacy and peace at the beginning of the day. And I’ve sought it out ever since.

And so we unpacked a whole bunch of different experiences. And in these experiences the origin of the joy almost always arose from an initial experience of freedom, connectedness, peace. Joy, I discovered, isn't a mere abstract emotion that we consistently strive for; but rather, it's deeply intertwined with our sensory experiences. Our past moments of joy are closely connected to specific sensations, both physical and emotional. And these sensations serve as a gateway to joy, reminding us of times when we felt most alive and fulfilled.

So how could I use this concept of exploring and understanding these small moments that spark joy ?

Cultivating Sensory Awareness:

I began by paying close attention to the sensations associated with moments of joy in my life. What does joy feel like in my body? What sensory experiences are connected to my most joyful memories? By becoming attuned to these sensations, I could consciously embody them in everyday life.

Connecting with Authentic Desires:

I reflected on what genuinely brought me joy, independent of external expectations. What sensations ignited my passion? What experiences made me feel most alive? I can start actively engaging in these authentic sources of joy. Especially when I need them most.

Enhancing Relationships:

I could recognise the significance of shared moments of joy in my relationships. I can understand that these moments can bring a deeper level of connection with others. As I explore my own sources of joy, I could remember that they can serve as tools to enhance my connections with those around me.

Tools for Connection:

I can utilise the sensations of joy as tools to connect with others on a deeper level. When I know what moments or experiences bring someone joy, I can use that knowledge to connect with them in a more meaningful way. By understanding their sources of joy, I can step into those spaces with them, deepening our connections and enriching our relationships.

Of course, the most significant learning of this experience is how I came to exploring joy in the most banal, disappointing and frustrating circumstance. Which, of course, challenges the notion that joy must adhere to a predetermined script. Be open to exploring joy in unexpected places and situations. Sometimes, the most profound moments of joy emerge from the ordinary and the unanticipated.